An Open Letter to the Iraqi People

Dear Iraqi People,

Please accept our apologies for invading and still occupying your country. Probably we’ll stop soon. We hope so. We don’t really like occupying people. I mean, some people think we do that a lot. But as far as historical cycles go, we get tired of it pretty fast. Occupation of places where we’re really not wanted isn’t our bag.

We’re particularly sorry about all the Iraqi casualties. Iraq Body Count says 60,000. The Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health says 600,000. No one really knows. And though any glance at the news shows most people by far are being killed by someone other than U.S. troops, no one seems able to track the difference, and besides, to the dead and their families, it doesn’t much matter. We uncorked the bottle. That Iraq was a seething hotbed of murderous factionalism only kept in check by the brutal dictator we took out didn’t really cross our naïve American minds.

You’ll be glad to know that we’ve already started the process of pulling out. We don’t want to take responsibility for the carnage any more. We’ll let someone else do that. And to be sure, it will be stopped when Iraq has a strong government again. That’ll come in time. Meanwhile we’ve determined that our soldiers there are exacerbating the problem. All the Iraqis want us out and they are killing each other every day in order to make that clear. So we are well into the second stage of disengagement. The first stage was successful once public discourse became thoroughly dominated by the message that we were all hoodwinked by Bush and his evil imperialist colleagues. Now that everyone understands that, we are on to the second stage, which is to divide our government, blame each other for all the mistakes, and claim that to “support the troops” really means to bring them home. The third stage, actual physical withdrawal, will occur soon enough. Please be patient.

Needless to say, a strong government, the key to halting the slaughter, will not have been established yet. We’re sorry about that, too. That requires trust, and there just hasn’t been time to build that trust, especially after some of the mistakes we’ve made. Trust above all requires results in the security department and that in turn requires time. I mean, we are making progress now, having made changes to both our foreign and military policies. Our bull-headed VP is losing influence, we are talking more to your neighbors, and our military people continue to learn better ways to work with the Iraqi people and help them develop trained and experienced security forces. Given time, you will have a strong government, more security, less cause to turn to militias and gangsters for protection, and consequently a greater propensity to work together. But, um, sorry. We’re not giving you the time for that. American election cycles won’t allow it, and as you know, your next 600,000 dead are nowhere near as important to us as our domestic power struggles. But please look at the bright side: None of those next 600,000 will have been killed by Americans!

Lest you fear we’ll return, hey, no worries. We’re going to be far too busy pointing fingers at one another to invade you or anyone else for years to come. Besides, we’ll elect a new President soon. We’ll elect someone who would never, ever invade anyone. Of course, whoever we elect, there’s a chance he or she will be among those who once voted to invade you. But that’s okay because he or she has since changed their mind. Were flexible like that. Our best politicians change their minds all the time. It’s a strength.

As for having peace and stability again, well, it will come. All you need is a strong central government. With us out of the way and given a cycle or two of enormously bloody coups, you’ll end up with a dictator everyone is too exhausted not to agree upon. Then, so long as you’re not part of some relatively underpowered ethnic group (yet to be determined), everything will be fine.

So once again, sorry about the war. Nothing personal. And you know, if our withdrawal gives the appearance of an American defeat, thus lending the strength of perceived victory to other powers in the region, that’s okay. We don’t mind, we earned it. We have to face the fact, as you have already learned, that Americans just aren’t very good at global power politics. It’s too much like chess. We’re good at American football: Out-hit and out-run the other team, use feints and secret plans to get the ball into the opposite goal, and then use a clock or a rainstorm or something to tell us that it’s over, a surrendered sword so everyone can agree on who won. But your people play a different game, more chess-like. A longer view, moves of mind-numbing complexity, sacrificing one’s own pieces to achieve results, and it’s never over until one side actually concedes. We’re just no good at that. Fortunately for you, chess was introduced to the West through one of your own neighbors! The Iranians are really, really good at playing chess. Perhaps they will be helpful to you in the coming years. We certainly hope so.

Well, best of luck and, once again, we’re awfully sorry. We sure hope it works out for you in the end.